The lesson I learned about judging others….

We see so many people each day that we don’t know and depending on where you go, the number could vary from just a few to several hundred or more. Even if you don’t leave the house you’re likely to catch a few people walking by as you glance out the window.

Each person has their own story as they go about in their life, complete with their own worries, stresses, problems and joys. We know so little about one another yet can often quickly form our own opinion based on our limited observations. I recently experienced this and wanted to share the lesson I learned about judging others.

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. – Henry David Thoreau

No one likes to be judged, yet, we all have tendencies to do just that regardless of what our best intentions may be. Whether it’s subtle or subconscious, it happens:

– As you are standing in a line up at Starbucks you notice the person sitting at a table talking to a friend hasn’t smiled the entire time you’ve been waiting so you assume she/he is having a bad day.

– You see someone rushing towards the gate at the airport and you assume she/he is late for a flight, when in reality they may be running to say goodbye to someone who is about to board the plane.

– You see someone cut someone else off when driving, just about causing an accident, and you immediately make a generalization about the person who is behind the wheel or say some choice words under your breath.

Last week I was standing in a long lineup at a store and I want to describe the scene that unfolded in front of me. A woman, paying for her items at the cash register, suddenly decided it would be nice for her young son to have an item that was on a nearby display table. She asked him to go to the table and pick it up. By the time he returned with it, the cashier had already started ringing in the items for the person who had been next in line.

She was out of luck.

While we can all form our own opinions on if the next person in line should have waited for her son to return and allowed them to purchase it before starting with his items, or if the woman should have thought it through a bit more carefully, realizing she’d already paid for all of her items and would now be holding up an already long line, neither of those were the issue for me.

The woman soon realized the dilemma and told her son that she wasn’t ready to get back into the lineup so he’d have to put the toy back on the table. They would not be purchasing it today.

They walked back to the table together to put the toy back and as she walked by the cashier towards the exit, she angrily looked back at the man, who was now paying for his items, and said loudly “He took our spot in the lineup!”

Yes, I passed judgment here, pondering if this was the best behavior for her to have modeled for her young son. I then found myself wondering what type of a Mom she was.

I am not proud of having had either of these thoughts when instead I should have shown compassion.

In hindsight, I wish prior to passing judgment I’d stepped back and asked myself what do I really know about that person? That answer would have been quite simple, I had never seen her before so knew nothing about her. She may have had the worse news possible before coming into the store that day or may have just gotten into a serious argument with a loved one. Not knowing what exactly was going on in her life at that moment or having any way of understanding it, I was clearly in the wrong to have passed any judgment.

Research points out that your perceptions of others, both positive and negative, reveals much about your own personality. By viewing others under a positive light, you are shining the light on your own positive personality traits. On the flip side, view someone negatively, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment, puts the spotlight on your own negative personality traits.

Truth be told, what you say about others says alot about you.

I recently read a wonderful article in Psychology Today titled 10 Reasons to Stop Judging People that offers quick tips on how to stop a judgmental thought process when you see an action or behavior that doesn’t sit well with you. I plan to put this in place the next time I am in a situation where I am unfamiliar with the circumstances and will choose to reserve all judgment.

None of us like to be judged, myself included.

The next time you’re in a situation where you feel yourself reaching the point where you’re about to make a judgment call, a simple reminder of this quote may be all it takes to stop you in your tracks:

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself. – Wayne Dyer

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